Ep. 4
Photosynthecidal Phantom Menace
When we last saw our hero in his downtown debacle, he put neutrality in its place… wherever he wanted to cuz it didn’t really matter either way. Now we find youngish Damen sitting in front of his television doing nothing in particular!
Since he convinced the Grey Neutron to prison, there hasn’t been any crime in the City of Chicago that the police couldn’t handle on their own. So 3-D decided to chill out and work on getting to know the “inner him.” The only times he uses his powers nowadays is to save gas by flying, be awesome at sports (especially air hockey), and changing the channel when he’s too lazy to find the remote.
Now bored out of his effing mind, he blinks on the news to see if there’s some hero ish that needs to be done…
“…and with most of the south side gangsters shaken by the second episode of 3-Damentional, murder and more serious crime have dropped in the area. Enraged protestors take to the streets in response. Here’s what one had to say. ‘Before dat damn Nenshnul N**** took down Patookie, the hood was a place of hopelessness and despair. N****s was making good, honest money selling drugs and guns and robbin other n****s. Now that n****s be scared to do life-ruinin' stupid shit, don’t nobody go no excuse to never be succeeding in nan nutta nuthan. F**k you, Tree Neneshunal, for making the hood a pleasant place to live! Now I gotta get a job!”
Confused, Damen switches to another news station where they’re reporting on some emo-looking teen…
“… the fifth time this pseudo-vigilante has had to be revived at the scene of a crime. Ironically calling himself ‘Deadboy,’ the seemingly suicidal teen insists that he’s the cause of apprehending the criminals before ambulances and police arrive. The police have decided to let him go since he’s only harming himself… in other news, pop singer Mistress Goo Goo was spotted out with a lime-green panda at the WTF awards…”
Recognizing the lime-green panda from previous episodes, Damen bites down on a jawbreaker that I just mentioned for plot reasons, and chipped his tooth. He was about to use his powers to fix it when he remembered that he didn’t know anything about teeth to fix it properly. So… to the internet!!! He found the cheapest dentist Google could find and set out for an adventure… TO GET A FILL IN!!!
Fast forward. “Not so fast!!!” Wait! Too far… Rewind
Damen walks into the dentist and unsolved the cube just in case his random thoughts destroy something. He signs in with this oddly shaped but surprisingly pleasant receptionist. “Hi!” she says, “How are you on this awesomtasticly amazing day!?!” Damen replies “Fine until this jawbreaker randomly appeared in my mouth.” “Don’t be such a sour puss, sweetie. Dr. Higgins Lundon will fix you right up! Do you have your insurance card?” Damen then remembers that he left it at home. “How much is it without insurance?” asked Damen. “$943,681… and 12 cents,” she replied. “Da fuugggg!?!?” exclaimed D. "Aye bruh,” said the receptionist, “It’s real out here buuuut… if you have insurance it’s a mere free 99.” “Now that you put it that way,” Damen scemefully stated, “I think I left it in the car.”
Damen slyfully slid out the door and resolved the cube to turn it into a fake insurance card. He went back in, and held the card all epically like it was the hammer of Thor. Handed it to the circular receptionist and sat in the lobby.
The only other person that was I the room was a suspicious guy in jungle boots, an ankle low trench coat, some stunna shades, and a Spy vs. Spy hat on. Right away Damen thought either this guy was the Phantom of the Dentist or just a lunatic. Just his luck, there were only two seats in the lobby. Hey… you get what you pay for.
Not three seconds after D sat down, Darkwing Duck leans over and says, “You’re not safe here. Run while you still can.” Damen’s first thought was, “Bitch I’m 3-D! This place ain't safe cuz of me! Sucka betta reganize!” But instead of that he asked politely, “And what, pray tell, is so dangerous about this….” Before he got a chance to finish the question, another oddly shaped nurse came out of the back saying, “M. Mortimus! You’re up next! We really appreciate your generously fantastic patience!”
Death Jr. walks off saying, "Get out while you can." Not giving a fuck, Damen sits his ass down and waits his turn. Two minutes, there's a loud thump coming from the back. The nurse comes back and says, "Your turn handsome Billy gumdrops!"
He gets up and goes in the back room. There is only one swinging light from the ceiling. The room looked like one you'd see in Saw 10 with the rust shelves and Hostel-like dentist tools hanging on the wall. Naturally, Damen felt an eerie sense of WTF as soon as he walked in. Being the naive cheapskate he is, his only thought was, "Meh... you get what you pay for."
All of a sudden a creepily deep British voice comes from an open door leading from the basement saying, "Just relax and sit in the cobby. We'll begin in just a tic." Emerging from the depth of dental hell was a pale, crooked toothed, scruffy haired dentist with a monocle. He reminded Damen of the "naughty" barber from "Courage the Cowardly Dog." An unusually heavy headache comes out of nowhere as soon as Damen heard the British accent. He was immediately annoyed. But despite the change of mood, he sits optimistically arrogant.
"Oiem daugtuh Lundon, ol chap. Woaut cana do y'fourE?" said the bloke; each word another spike to Damen's skull. Through the pain, he answers, "I chipped my tooth on a jawbreaker that I didn't know I was eating. I just need a fill in." With that, Damen just sits back, waiting for further instructions.
"Uh feel een eay, guvnuh? Pip pipity pop seh ahh and let’s get you unduh," said Sherlock as he put the sleep gas mask on our hero. As he began to slip deep into slumber, he heard a large clamping sound. Between the laughing gas, laughing, and the literal siren + blow horn + gangsta ass car rattling subwoofer pain causing headache, the world became one hilariously hairy situation. The room was literally spinning for about 10 minutes before he realized that only 17 seconds had passed. Then Dr. Lundon hits Damen in the head with a billy club.
Damen awakes up in a stupor. The accent-induced headache had been replaced with another kind of cranial pain. Damen was hanging upside down. He looked 'around' but still dizzy. All he could make out was a room full of white cocoons. The looks down/up to check his status. He was bound by the same type of minty thread-like material. Thinking it could be gum, it immediately became sticky, started stretching until it finally snapped, sending Damen straight to the floor in an ABC blob. That's when he remembered that his powers were still active due to the CUBE being the fake insurance card in his pocket. In one thought, the case of goo transformed into his costume. 3-DAMENTIONAL rose in a heroic pose ready for action!
3-D quickly looks around. He's in some type of basement that looks creepy enough to scare the cob webs. Speaking of webs, surrounding him from the ceiling were about 34 cocooned individuals like Spiderman just broke up a riot. To his left was the emo kid from the waiting room. This guy obviously knew something that 3-D didn't about this dynamically dastardly dentist doctor dude... doody. 3-D sprays him with his all-purpose wrist gas to wake him up.
Before the kid could really see straight, 3-D asked him, "What's going on?! Where are we?! Who's behind this?!" With words slurred Kid Manson replies, "Get out my face, rookie. I got this." The frustration of this guy's comment was soon replaced with comedic pity as he made bitch grunts trying to dramatically break free of his clothy shell. Just for fun, 3-D watched this boy seriously struggle for 2 minutes before he got re-pissed for wasting his time. To help him out, 3-D turned the shell to have the consistency of cotton candy.
With one large rip, the Deathklock fan fell face first on the floor. It was so hilarious that 3-D reversed his time to see him crash again... and again... and again again. 3-D finally allows him to continue life only for him to rise in the same heroic pose saying, "I am SO AWESOME!!! Time to kick some enamel!!!"
"Let me stop you right there, Superemo," interrupted 3-D, "First of all, that was a terrible pun. Second, you're not awesome. I am. Third, who the hell are you and what do you know about what's going on?" The lil bastard fixed his face with a smug look that yelled 'slap me' and he spoke. "So you're that 3-Damentional clown I heard of, huh? Well allow me to introduce true greatness. I am....DEADBOY!!! Defender of the living! I protect these mere mortals with my death powers!"
3D: Death powers? I heard you just die.
DB: Yes! My power is to die.... at will.
3D: Can you bring yourself back?
DB: Not sure yet. Ambulances always shock my heart back beating before I truly die beyond hope. They suck.
3D: So how do you go about saving we humble mortals?
DB: Don't question miracles!!!
3D: You're right. This is a waste of time. So what's going on?
In an overly theatrical way too cheesy to write, Deadboy explains 3-D the situation. Dr. Lundon used the dentist office as a front. Apparently the people who come here keep disappearing so Deadboy decided to check it out. A world renowned dietary geneticist, Dr. Lundon was shunned by the scientific world for extreme experimentation. He fell off the grid about a year ago... or at least that's as far as Google got.
While Deadboy was doing all the explaining, 3-D was doing the hero thing and set all the other cocooned people free. The next step was to find the way out to get the civilians to safety. After lazily surveying the area, 3-D gave up all hope. "Great work, sidekick," says Deadboy, "Leave it to the hero to devise an escape plan." He lazily surveys the area himself. "We’re TRAPPED!!! EVERYONE PANIC WNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!!!" The people proceed to follow instruction, running in circles and screaming. Chaos engulfs the cellar. A woman's water breaks even though she's not pregnant. A fight club is organized in the corner. Some fat guys start eating each other but stop on because there's no hot sauce. The lime green panda does back flips on the ceiling. Children start playing freeze tag. Just utter carnage.
All but 3-D gets involved. Deadboy dies about 15 seconds into the violent rampage. 3-D revives him only for him to die again because the problem wasn't "fixed" yet. 3-D revives him one more and then freezes him so he can handle the crowd. Just as he begins to devise a plan, a door wall opens on the other side of the room. Swift, shadowy round figures fly about the room, knocking people out mid-punch. Just to be dicks, they leave the last tagged toddler frozen in diagonally in a cartwheel. 3-D is too confused to react.
The circular shadows assemble back around the door. In complete dramatic TV fashion nun otha then Doctuh Lundon floats eerily forward from the shadows (behind the door... not the shadowy figures I mentioned earlier). Suddenly brighter lights come one making more clear what the shadows (figures) were... kinda. They were all in the small, strange, round shape as the receptionist. But they were green-skinned and dressed in shinobi attire. Thinking out loud, 3-D blurted, "What the fuck is going on here?!?"
The sadistic Alfred replied, " 'ell Ah'm gled ew ahskd. Et siems loik ew've deskuhvuhd moi saycret awporashun." (PSA: All ignorantly written British-speak will be written correctly for time reasons) "Years ago they banned me from the dentistry society for my... naughty experiments with plaque DNA and cloning super healthy vegetables. When I presented my humanoid celery to the Dentist Syndicate, they shunned me and destroyed my lab. So I decided to harvest human plaque to make my army of NINJA BRUSSLE SPROUTS and kill the ones that ruined me!!!... All while maintaining a sunny disposition!"
As he finished his monologue, the aforementioned minions emerged from the shadows (behind the door). They were about 4 ft tall, Brussels sprout shaped, all held non-lethal weapons, and were dressed in all black vegetable ninja attire. There was an awkward silence in the cellar. Mostly because no one knew how to react to gigantic kung fu shrubbery. Plus no one was sure if they spoke English (it’s rude to assume). 3-D, on the other hand, was too busy seizing on the floor: his normal disdain for the British accent as Damen becomes a super weakness as 3-Damentional.
Out of the awkward silence, one guy just blurted out, "But Brussels sprouts, though?!" In a menacing, evil tone, Dr. Lundon replied, "Yes. Because they're so round and cute like little baby cabbages." A random woman replies, ""Then why not just make Sumo Cabbages?" Suggestions from the crowd included Muay Thai Carrots, Samurai Broccoli, and Sniper Lima Beans. One guy just kept shaking his dreads yelling "Turnip!" a bunch of times but I don't know what that was all about.
Finally about to blow a tea kettle, Lundon yells "Close the cubby you wankers!!!" One of the ninjas in a cheery voice said, "Fret not, fearless leader. We'll get these guys all wrapped back up in a jiffy! Isn't that right, fellas?" The rest of the jolly Brussels brunch exclaimed a childish, "YaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaY!"
Deadboy steps in front of the crowd and says proudly, "Not so fast, you oral oppressor! As you have taken the yellow plaque from our teeth, so have you taken the yellow cowardice from our hearts. We will no longer be held captive for our cavities. We will FIGHT with the fury of fluoride against your gingavital tyranny! Isn't that right, comrades!?!" In response to a speech meant for Spartans, the crowd does a mummer of "meh," "Sure why not," "Who is this dude again," and "TURNIP TURNIP TURNIP TURNIP!!!"
At this moment, 3-Damentional gained enough consciousness to bless the humans with giant forks and bibs for the culinary terror about to ensue. Dr. Lundon declares, "Well if its' fisticuffs you want, then fisticuffs, you'll get! Give 'em jolly good thrashing, blokes!" The veggie warriors stood in confusion due to the gibberish. Dr. Lundon then simplified in REAL ENGLISH.... 'ATTACK!!!'
In a joyful cheer the edible horde sprang towards a chlorophyll-hungry mob and the bout against the sprouts commenced. The people began losing quickly. Deadboy died. 3-D realized that arming a group of untrained civilians with only comic book appropriate weapons (instead of knives) against ninjas despite biological origin (I'm not trying to be racist here) was a bad idea.
The Brussels brigade gave really encouraging words, however, as they released their ninja fury. "You did your best!" and "Keep it up, you'll get better" were heard over the cries of agony of the untrained hostages.
Within seconds every captive was out cold. The only one conscious were 3-D, Dr. Lundon, and the ninja plant clan. 3-D weakly stands to fight. A noble effort indeed done in vain. As soon as 3-D got in wounded-persistent-hero fighting stance, the ducktuh begins his monologue of triumph. This once again rendered 3-D in a flailing seize, helpless on the floor, surrounded by kung fu foliage.
Blacking in and out of consciousness, scenes flipped as time passed. 6 minutes in, the ninja Brussels sprouts had re-captured the hostages. Deadboy was still dead (shocker) and Dr. Lundon was still... fucking... talking. Arising from dream world, 3-D heard the faint sound of music fill the air. Then the ground began to shake. The music rose louder and louder until Heavy-Death-Prog-Rock Metal roared about the basement. Lights began to flicker as the ground cracked open. The fissure in the floor had a red glow from asunder. It opened suddenly wide under the fully dead body of Deadboy as he awkwardly fell in, spleen first. The hole closes shut... Silence... everyone froze out of pure confusion and fear.
3.28 seconds later the music comes back louder than before, the ground suddenly opens wider, and a giant black clawed hand comes over the edge. What comes out is an 7.5 foot tall Final Fantasy Ifrit-like beast with black fire for hair and the dreamiest blue eyes and fangs of a saber tooth tiger dripping with demon meth rabies.
Scared shitless, (literally) Dr. Lundon yells... "Pummel!!!" The Brussels stood in shock. One optimistic sprout speaks up, "Hey, homies! Don't be afraid... nothing beats fail like a try!!!" All the rest of the ninjas nod in agreement. They simultaneously charge at the beast with exclamations of positive enthusiasm.
The monster roars a metal guitar riff, black spikes protrude from his nipples, and his claws turn to gold. I guess battles with vegetables turn him on... who knows... whatever... I don't judge. The ninjas attack from all sides with obviously practiced formations. For a second it looked like a scene from Naruto. Not giving any fucks, the monster-beast savagely catches them and eats each one whole... BOSS, I mean... BAUWSE!!!
Dr. Lundon is stunned. The beast walks over to him, gets all up in his grill (pun intended) and roars another guitar lick. The unchewed remains of the minions splat over the doctor's face. He whispers, "Poppycock," as he passes out in fear.
The beast yawns a metal version of "Rock-a-bye-baby" (another pun intended) as he lies down to sleep. Black flames engulf it as the music fades out. As the flames die, what is revealed is a dead Deadboy... that wakes up. 3-D quickly detains Dr. Lundon and gags him Sopranos style. Deadboy gets up and poses like Goth Superman. "No need for applause. Breaking up the teeth party was all a part of a day's work. The only cavities he'll be looking at are in CAptiVITY. I mean, he put the cavity in captivity. I mean... he'll get ass raped in jail." (All puns intended)
"Deadboy, kill yourself... again," says 3-D, "And what the hell was that monster that just turned into you?"
"A few years ago," Deadboy begins, "I died choking on a bottle cap and thought, 'Hey... it would totally suck to die right now.' The Fire Demon Lord Azmethentacos heard my complaint and decided to help me out. We made a pact that if I let him wreak havoc in the mortal world for a few minutes, that he would protect me from true death. And now I can die at will to protect the masses. The stupid ambulances come to 'revive me' and take all the credit. But I vowed to live in righteousness and die in the name of living!!!"
Taken aback, 3-D simply replies, "Yeaaah... that's dope and all but I'm gonna call the cops and head home. I have some new night terrors to sweat over." And 3-D slowly and dramatically leaves the basement. He even more dramatically trips up the entire flight of stairs, leaving his swag behind for dead. As he flies home, he calls in the scene to the police, giving all due credit to Deadboy. Damen gets home when he realizes that his tooth is healed. "Hm... for an evil non-Aussie," Damen said, "he's sure one Britain of a dentist." He gets back to bum-mode to finish his ain’t-shit day. Then he cracks his tooth on some candy. FACE!!!
In the NEXT EPISODE of 3-Damentional: The Superhero..............
DJ HeeHaw and her turntables of terror plan a doozy of a dosey doh.