Ep. 3
IN THE LAST EPISODE...
3-Damentional took on all the drug dealers of the Mile High Hood and the worst dealer in the city, Patookie. He and his hypnotizing snow globe were no match for the likes of our hero. And he finally shut the f*** up.
Neutral Evil
Weeks after the Patookie incident, we now see Damen downtown. Ever since then, 3-Damentional has made a name for himself in the city of Chicago. Well… actually several names. He’s being called names like 'Hero Guy,' 'Green Mean Machine,' 'That N**** That B Lockin’ Up My Homies,' and 'Dragonfly' among many others because he never actually got around to telling the public his hero name. He just hasn’t had the opportunity.
But THIS day, our hero decides that it’s time for a break. You can only kick so many asses before yours gets tired, right? Damen and his cousin, James, had gone downtown to hang out as usual. Usually they go to the N**** Show on 87th street. They call it that because it’s usually more interesting watching the ignorant n****s than the movie. If they were lucky they could have caught a fight after the movie for the post-credits. If they were really lucky then could have gotten mugged or jumped. You can’t pay enough for that kind of experience.
The experiences they had this day had already been enough for them. First they “found” some spray paint in the Red Line station. After running from the construction worker who claimed to own said paint, they decided to tag random buildings in the allies. They stopped when they saw a couple of hookers hiding behind a dumpster from someone they called the “Mustard Man.” The terrified harlots requested very diligently and aggressively for the spray paint cans because “it keeps him away.” Fearing life and STD’s they gave up the cans and walked off nice and casual. As they turned the corner, a man in a yellow suit turned to walk down the same ally that they had just came from. Seconds later, he ran out screaming about spray paint. Damen and James both looked at each other with a “WTF!!!” face kept walking.
A block later, while waiting to cross the street, a bum tried to ask them for some change. Before he got a word out he looked at Damen’s shoes and said, “Never mind, sir.” Then on the next block a different bum gave D his cup of change and said, “Sorry about your shoes, man,” and walked off crying. Refusing to let a good insult go to waste, he decided to take advantage of the situation. He stood on that same corner while James held a sign that read, “Just look at the shoes, G.” About $50 and a blinking contest later they decided that it was time to go home.
On the way back to the Red Line, they walked past a Build-A-Bear Workshop with the news showing on a screen in the window. Exactly why a Build-A-Bear Workshop would be showing the news remains a mystery but that’s not important. What was important was the story on the news. Not too far from where they were, a bank was being robbed by a person calling himself “THE GRAY NEUTRON.” All Damen could think was, "Wow. This guy does one thing and everyone already knows his cool name." Then he realized when 12 police cars, 5 ambulances, a fire truck, and a lime-green panda flew past that he actually had to go stop the guy who was robbing the bank no matter how cool of a name he had.
Damen looked at James and said, “Tell Aunt Janice that I took the wrong bus or something.” Knowing Damen’s alter ego, he simply nodded and walked off, leaving 3-Damentional to do his thing. Just like the times before, he took the cube out right where he was standing and configured it so that it would unlock the powers of 3-D. With his powers unlocked he transforms the clothes that he’s already wearing into his armor. And just like all the other times, nobody sees it. The only reason that the world doesn’t know 3-D’s true identity is that when he transforms, either no one is there or no one is paying attention. He finds it amazing how all those other comic book heroes try to hide their identity and get caught faster.
While flying to the bank, he tuned his ears to the police radio frequency to get more information on this Gray Neutron character. Amazingly he came in at the exact part of a conversation where one cop asked another, “So who is this guy anyway?”
The other cop replied, “His real name is Dr. Ian B. Feelingoode. He’s a scientist working on how to use the neutrons of an atom. There was an accident in the lab a few weeks ago that changed both his physical and mental structure so that he’s completely neutral. He went back to the lab a few days ago and stole a neutron cannon that turns everything it hits into gray dust.”
The first cop asked, “So how do you know all this?”
The other cop said, “The chief told me to say all that stuff verbatim just in case someone who was listening at this exact moment was about to save the day. I think he was talking about that guy, Alien Hunter 5000 or whatever his name is…”
Although that last sentence pissed him off a bit, those cops did give all the right information at the right time. Now he was on the block where the bank was. He noticed that nothing around there had any color. He figured it was the doing of the Grey Neutron. He also saw a big hole in the side of the bank with a pile of dust at the bottom of it. He figured that it was the doing of the neutron cannon. Out of the hole stepped the Grey Neutron with a bag of money in one hand and a small Stargate-like gun in the other. He wasn’t tall but he wasn’t short. He wasn’t fat but not skinny either. He had grey skin, no hair, no pupils, basic nose and lips, he wore a white lab coat and pants, and had some grey and white Nike’s on.
“You must be the Grey Neutron. Why are you robbing this bank?” asked 3-Damentional.
In a very monotone voice, he replied, “Because I was hungry and didn’t have any money in my pocket.”
“Why didn’t you just withdraw some out of you bank account? I’m sure you’re not broke,” reasoned 3-Damentional.
“Of course I’m not,” replied Grey Neutron, “While I was withdrawing some money from my account in this bank, I realized that I’d get hungry again and have to come back. So I figured I’d save myself from coming back for a while by asking for all the money. When they said no… I decided to take it.”
That’s when 3-Damentional realized that the Grey Neutron wasn’t necessarily a bad guy. He was truly neutral. The thought of whether something is right or wrong never comes up for him. It’s all based off of what he wants and what’s best for him. But unfortunately this time what was best for him was against the law. Seeing that this guy was pretty practical, 3-D thought he’s skip all the violence and just ask him, “Can you put that money back, please? Stealing is kind of illegal. Otherwise I’d have to stop you by force.”
The Grey Neutron said, “I know what I’m doing is illegal. But I brought my neutron cannon to help me not get caught. See…”
At that last word, the Grey Neutron pointed his little gun at 3-D. Thinking it was nothing, 3-D laughed and said, “What’s that little water pistol going to do other than make me ma-…” Next thing he knows there’s a gigantic ball of grey energy headed for him. He tried to create a shield but nothing came up. Right before it hit him, he dodged it. The ball of energy hit the building behind him, turning that part into dust. Without hesitation, another blast came at him. Again, he tried to make a shield but nothing came up. The only thing to do was jump behind a car. The blast hit the car and turned it into dust as well. Fearing life, he flew around the corner and out of sight.
3-Damentional had to take a minute for himself to figure out what had happened. He came up with a theory. Since the enemy was neutral, that must also mean that he has no imagination. When 3-D is around people like that, he can’t get his thoughts together to create anything.
He tries to make a shield out of his staff to test the theory and it was right. With the shield, he flew around the corner, at top speed, ready to tackle the Grey Neutron. But he was stopped by another blast of grey energy. It knocked 3-D back and turned about half of the shield into dust. OK!!! Retreat!!! Back around the corner!!! Let’s figure out plan Q!!!
He tried to do the same thing with other shields. An iron shield, Captain America’s shield, gummy bear shield, rock shield, orange gummy bear shield, and even a mirror shield. Each one rendered the same results. They all disintegrated in his hand. It just wasn’t looking good.
After about the 24.78 tries to make a usable shield, a thought hit him. He made two specialized shields, changed the make-up of his armor, and turned his staff into handcuffs. For what he hoped to be the last time, he came barreling around the corner with one shield in front, one in his other hand, and the handcuffs attached to his waist. Once again, Grey Neutron shot a blast at him. This time, the shield absorbed the blast. There was a second blast that destroyed the shield but 3-D kept coming. Grey Neutron quickly shot two blast and destroyed the last shield. One last blast was fired in desperation that hit 3-Damentional dead on. The armor absorbed the final blast. He fell on the not-so-villain knocking the cannon out of his hand. Before 3-D put the handcuff on the Grey Neutron, he said, “There’s no need for those, sir. I give up. Without my neutron cannon, I have no hope of getting away safely. I decided that I want to go to jail. With the free meals, no bills, and lots of time to sit and do nothing. Let’s go.”
An hour after walking the Grey Neutron to jail, 3-Damentioanl had a meeting with the press. They asked him questions like, “How did you beat him? What do you think about the multiple sightings of the fabled lime-green panda? Is your name Karate Astronaut, Environ-Man, or Cracker Box Jack?”
“I will answer each question to the best of my ability. As to how I beat him… I used what I learned in chemistry class. I figured that the Grey Neutron’s cannon shot neutrons to neutralize all the atoms that it hit. I remembered that isotopes are atoms without their usual number of neutrons per atom. So I made some shields out of tartolium isotopes with a lot less neutrons per atom so that when the blasts hit them, they would be balanced instead of destroyed and did my armor the same way. I never thought I would need to use that anywhere in life. Take that high school education! And lime-green pandas only exist in the land of the living on Thursday nights when the moon is full during July on a leap year at 7:26 pm. There’s nothing to worry about. And my name is none of those things. It’s 3-DAMENTIONAL!!! You can spell it anyway you want. I don’t care. I’m out this beyotch! Peace!”
With that, he flew off to go home. He took off his armor and went to his room to watch some TV. He turned on the news to see the weather. Instead there was a story on his alter ego. The headline read, “3-Damentional Saves the Day From A Good Guy Gone Indifferent.”
Damen could only think, "What were the odds that they would spell it right?"
In the next episode... Look alive! Here comes Dead Boy!!!